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The Five Love Languages

  Emotional love tank
As Dr. Gary Chapman describes in his book, The Five Love Languages, in a fashion that we each have an “emotional love tank” and we need to try and talk to our mate in her love language. Each of us must strive to visualize our mate’s “love tank,” striving to know, hear and put into action each other’s “love languages.”

You are encouraged to know yours and your mate’s “love language” and strive to speak your mate’s “love language”.

The Five Love Languages:
Words of affirmation
Quality time
Receiving gifts
Acts of service
Physical touch
   1. Words of Affirmation
This is about building up in your words and tone to express encouragement to your mate and others. This is not about verbal flattery, rather lifting up with your words to your mate and others. When we receive affirming encouraging words, we are motivated to reach out a helping hand to our mate and others.

“An anxious heart weighs a man down, but a kind word cheers him up.” Prov. 12:25 (NIV)

Mark Twain once said, “I can live for two months on a good compliment.” Our words can be so very uplifting if we choose them properly. Healthy, encouraging words with the love language of “words of affirmation” can fill our “emotional love tank” to operating substantial levels, if we choose proper tone and words.

“Words of affirmation” examples:
“Wow, this is a wonderful dinner!”
“Thank you so much for picking up _____.”
“You are a wonderful wife, because ______.”
“You are a great mom, because __________.”
“Have I told you, ‘I love you’, yet today?”
   2. Quality Time
Quality time is all about giving your mate your undivided attention. Focusing on your mate using “quality time” as a form of love in action. Activities with your mate, when you are emotionally present to her, will likely fill her “love tank”.

Quality time is unhurried, and the television is shut off. Your mate has your time, undivided attention, and clear communication as you strive to hear her. This is where she feels #1 in your world, using your time as an action of love.

“Quality Time” examples (with your mate):
Take your mate out to dinner, with kids at the babysitter.
Take a walk with your mate.
Take a vacation or just a weekend away.
Good conversation, especially when you listen.
Mutual interests /hobbies with your mate.
  This is when we strive to ask questions, honestly. Try to hear and understand your mate, their thoughts, their feelings and requests in togetherness.
Keep eye contact as your mate talks
Focus on your mate; do not do a 2nd activity.
Strive to hear your mate’s feelings
Watch your mate’s body language
Avoid interrupting your mate
   3. Receiving Gifts
This is achieved by giving your mate a “special something”. It can be something as simple as a rose out of the garden, or a card from your local card shop. This is an “act of love” to your mate by taking the time to pick up and find the right gift, which shows to your mate your love. Often, “less can be more” in this special love language of receiving gifts.

“Receiving gifts” examples:
A single rose out of the garden
A card with special loving words.
Pick up dinner on the way home (when your wife has a bad day)
Use scissors to cut heart shaped note (a hidden note expressing words of love,
which your mate finds after you leave home).
Pick up your mate’s favorite box of candy, chocolate or cookies.
  Strive to give your mate’s love language of “receiving gifts”, not just on holidays, or birthdays or special occasions. This is to be done, even if there is not a special occasion, to how your mate just how much they mean to you. A simple rose, a simple card, a simple heart cut in a rose shape to sharing the words: “I love you”, can go a long way to fill your mate’s “love tank”.
   4. Acts of Service
This is where we do “acts of service” for our mate and others, expecting nothing in return. As described many times in the New Testament by Paul, Jesus also gave his example of washing the feet to the disciples.

“Acts of Service” examples:
Set the dinner table
Making dinner
Washing your mate’s car
Washing dinner dishes
Taking the kids for a couple hours
Doing the “Honey Do’s”
Picking up dinner on way home
Pickup dry cleaning
Mowing lawn
Fixing broken items at home
Taking out the trash
Making the bed for you mate
  You can go on and on with simple ways we can honor and service your mate with the “gift of service”. A lot of these “acts of service” are simply un-requested or requested acts, there is a Godly attitude of service, expecting nothing in return.

Dr. Gary Chapman shares, chapter 7, page 93;
“...and no one likes to be forced to do anything. In fact, love is always freely given. Love cannot be demanded.”
   5. Physical Touch
Since the time we were out of our mother’s womb, we have had an inherent need to be touched by others. If “physical touch” is your mate’s “love language”, Gary Chapman is quoted in chapter 8, page 105: “physical touch can make or break a relationship. It can convey hate or love. To the person whose primary love language is ‘physical touch’, the message will be far louder than ‘I hate you’ or ‘I love you’.”

“Physical Touch” examples:
Under the table touch
Holding hands
Kiss on the lips
Entering hugging your mate
Fondling your mate’s hair
An arm around your mate
A back rub
Sit next to your mate
Praying holding hands
Physical act of sex
  If your mate’s love language is “physical touch”, your mate probably cannot be touched enough. Often, many of us did not learn to hug until we left home. We can learn this valuable “love language” of “physical touch” if we choose.

Gary Chapman is quoted in chapter 8, page 116: “emotionally, they yearn for their spouse to reach out and touch them physically. Running the hand through the hair, giving a back rub, holding hands, embracing, sexual intercourse-- all of these and other ’love touches’ are the emotional lifeline of the person whom ‘physical touch’ is the primary love language.”

You are encouraged to strive to know your mate’s and your own primary and secondary love language. Yes, often most of us have a love language with a second love language. Rate yourself and your mate’s love language in the order of importance to least importance. Once you know and strive to hear their “love language”, your relationship with them, no matter at what stage, will help you with your relationship with your mate.
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